Wherever You Are, Perfect Man, Quit Hiding

English class has been pretty interesting these last two classes. We're reading this essay about advertising that uses male models. Like those sexy as hell Calvin Klein adds. Oh dear god are those not the most beautiful things in the entire world? Well the author talks about the perfect man. The brah that is pined for by both women and men. Gay men, yes, but still. We're talkin about one sexy man. He's tall. He's got muscles, but he aint the Hulk. There's this athletic build to him, but he's not on those steroids that make you look buff but shrink your penis (that's just wrong as hell). His hair is a hot mess, and he looks at you with the most beautiful, piercing eyes ever known to humankind. Oh yes, I'm looking for that perfect man. You better recognize, girl! But what I really can't figure out, is that I've been wanting this perfect homeboy for a long ass time, yet I have dated guys the complete opposite. I have dated the skinny, the average, the jerk, the boring, the short, the fuckin mistake, the nice, the sexy but skanky, oh the list goes on. No, I've not dated this many people. I could be describing one guy for all you people know, so don't get pissy. Anyway, so I have been with a lot of guys who are less than satisfying in the end. I usually dump them. Yup, I've never been dumped. Suck on that one, boys. Holla! I'm just a picky girl in many aspects of my life. Friends, food, boys, stores, hair products, etc. This is probably one of the downsides to my personality, but I'm workin on it. I keep pining for this perfect guy and can't seem to find him. Don't get me wrong, all of my relationships have been beneficial in one way or another. I have had great moments with every boy, and I've grown. It just wasn't ever enough (or in one case, I wasn't ready to commit entirely). High maintenance? Hell to the yes, but I think all girls are high maintenance to a certain degree. It could be small, or it could be unbelievably big. I'm a precious gem, boy you better treat me with care, or your ass is out. Mama always said to never be a welcome mat. That's my extent of maintenance. Don't be an ass. Don't fuck things up. I'm not the type of woman who accepts poor behavior from my man. That's really all I demand.

I think one thing the author skipped over is that there's more to the perfect man than a sexy body and hot mess hair. Yes, as shallow as it may sound, we all want a sexy thang to wake up to the next morning, but that's only human of us to desire. No one wants to roll over and almost barf because they're not attracted to their mate. But we also want companionship. Women want to talk, and have real conversation. That's what we do. My perfect hubby better know how to open his damn mouth and argue with me. I'm not saying yell, but I have opinions, and I love to be challenged. I want my soul mate to challenge me every day for the rest of our lives. Women want to lead, but also be led. There are times when I can make the decision, and I'll do so. But then there are other instances when I just want my perfect man to grab my hand and show me the way. Women want to be surprised, swept off their feet. It doesn't have to be some huge ordeal either. Money does not have to even be involved. Presents are not necessary (but greatly appreciated hehee). The smallest gesture that's out of the ordinary does the trick. My perfect man needs to not be a blockhead, and do something sweet every now and then. I don't need some huge surprise. I don't need gifts. Cook me dinner and I'll probably never leave you (true words of a fatass).

You're always blind when relationships first start off. This is probably why I've dated a diverse group of homies. You look at him, and he's got it all. The conversations are fantastic. He can take the lead when you want him to, and he does shit for you that's sweeter than Lemonheads. Whether his body fits that perfect model or not, you are head over those new black stilettos you just bought (you little shoe whore, you). Then the relationship continues for a few months. Every relationship is different, but at some point, things start to go down hill. Maybe he's boring. Maybe he all of a sudden doesn't talk as much as you thought he did. Maybe he's a total asshole. Maybe you have nothing in common, except that he's a good kisser and pretty hawt, but that's not enough. The list of reasons could go on. Now you look at him like, oh fuck I gotta get out of this shit. So there goes another failed relationship. It's not until later that you realize it wasn't a total failure, which is totally inconvenient, because it's nice to know that upfront. Dating outside the perfect body type may end badly, but I think breaking free of perfection is worth it. I may never marry the athletic, blue eyed, hot mess hair, tall man of my dreams, but at least I know what I want inside a man, and I'll be happy. My perfect dude is out there, it's just a matter of how many more fuckers I gotta date before I find him. THE END.