Naples, FL

Alright, this post is dedicated to bragging about my Florida trip this year. Get used to it, people. This is an OLD ass picture. Holy shit, junior year of high school when I was 17?! Three years ago. That's the last time I was even in Naples, because we wasted a perfectly great vacation on FMB (the shithole of Florida). Okay, I'm kinda hyperventilating about being so damn old. And I actually still fit into that bikini. Scratch that, I can do a great deal of squeezing into that bikini. Good Lord! Anyway, I'm super duper excited about my trip to Naples in April! I'm going home for spring break this year (barf), but in exchange I'm going to basically have two spring breaks. My family is going on vacation the first week of April and I'm going to fly down there to be with them for part of the time! I'm excited out of my bloomers right now. Can you tell? The only issue is flying. I absolutely positively hate flying. I basically freak out the entire time and think of all the horrible things that could possibly happen for hours on end. I don't feel safe until my feet are firmly on the ground. I can't stand sitting on top of other people either. Because that's what happens when you fly coach; you all get to sit on each other's laps and have a grand ol' time. And the last time I flew, I got stuck in the damn bathroom. Yea, I wish I was kidding. Talk about a heart attack. The flight attendant had to help me out. I'm telling you, I about shit my pants from that. The time I flew before that, there was so much turbulence I cried. I was in like 8th grade, and I cried like it was my job. My kid sister was completely fine, and my mom had to spend the entire time comforting me. And if any of you know my mother, the comforting went like this: "Lindsey quit your crying. We're on a plane, which is safer than driving. Look at Claire! She's fine! You're being too loud, Lindsey, and that's rude. These people don't want to hear you cry." Thanks Mom. Traum. A. Tizing. I really wish I were 21 so I could order alcohol and drink myself into a deep sleep and not deal with anything. Pop in my ear plugs and pass the fuck out. But no, I'll have to sit there and act like I'm not freaking out. FML
Alright, let's move on to better topics. For instance, Naples, FL is gorgeous. It's the town that all the rich old people migrate to when they retire. Everything is really nice, because old people do not put up with shit when retirement rolls around. The beaches are clean and white. Do you not see the water in my picture? Gorgeous. Sparkly. The weather? Sunny, and hot as shit. We (read: my mother) do not put up with luke warm weather when we go on vacation. My dad doesn't even go outside. He works most of the time (it's his busy season during spring break), and if he does come out, he sits under a big ass shade tree and reads. Boring! I sit in the sun all day roasting my ass off and sleeping. Fun fact: I don't burn. And if I do burn, it turns tan overnight. Yep, you're jealous. The house we're getting this year has a pool in the backyard. Why does this matter if we're like three blocks from the beach? Because we are not beach people. Sand is annoying and burrows in places we will not talk about. Plus, I'm a little traumatized by sand. When I was really little, I got sand in my eye really bad. At the time, my grandpa was still alive and he was an optometrist. So here he is trying to poke at my eye while I'm screaming bloody fucking murder. They ended up having to take me to the ER, strapping my arms down to a table, and fixing my eye that way. For the rest of the vacation I had to wear a patch over my eye. FML. I've seen pictures and I look sad as hell. I'm trying to wear my glasses (I'm blind without them) with a damn patch in the way. So, yea, we avoid the beach. Pools are easier to handle. There aren't sharks or slimy shit at the bottom. And they are fairly cleaner than any ocean out there. Omg I can't wait to go!